INTERVENTION DAY

Date: 09/08/2007 06:14

I had an 'intervention' with Mom and Dad today.

It boils down to this:
Part of staying healthy is family interaction. Mom is frail and Dad
can't be hauling her all over creation, so their home is going to have
to be the place where their family visits.

'Hoarding' is an addiction. They must STOP buying 'things' - for
themselves and for others. This will be hard to do. They do not need to
buy things for us. They do not need to spend money on us. After taking
4 truckloads to the dump, the rule is going to have to be that if any
one of us kids gives them something, it must replace something we get
rid of immediately. (i.e.: If I give them a new sheet set, I am
responsible for getting rid of the one is is replacing. If I give them
a pair of socks, I throw out a pair.) The place is by NO MEANS pared
down yet, there is much more to do.

Finances need to be reallocated. The money being sent to various
charities every month must STOP and that money will be reassigned to a
local charity - Meals on Wheels

BECAUSE....

They are now signed up for a weekday delivery of Meals on Wheels. A
well-balanced special meal will arrive every day, Monday through
Friday, between 11 and 1. Mom's will be diabetic, Dad's (due to heart
issues) will be low-sodium. The cost is $2.75 per meal, which is $5.50
a day. Meals on Wheels will bill for meals delivered. I checked into
pre-pay options; there are none. They will do an automatic credit card
charge, but I am not sure I want to get into that yet. For the first
month, the bill will be sent to me and I will help Dad manage the
finances.

I told them that for years they have been supporting charities. It's
time for Mom and Dad to benefit. They can still 'give' to Meals on
Wheels, but they are the ultimate 'receivers.' If they choose to give
to others, then the responsibilty for their care will fall on their
children. We are not selfish, nor unwilling to do this, but are not
willing to support those outside charities.

I tried to make it very plain that if the house begins to revert back
to clutter and dirt, that we may be forced to place them in other care.
This was the message I got from the home health person the other day on
the phone. Dad was concerned  he hadn't been told this. I said, "Dad,
they are telling me to get this across to you, because you and Mom are
not aware of how dangerous your living conditions have become." I told
them I am not being mean, but I am using a serious voice, because if I
don't, I'll no doubt start to cry.

I told them that we love them, but that if we let these conditions
continue, that we could be accused of abuse. Dad started to disagree
and I said, "Look, Dad, I've been married to my job all these years and
didn't feel it was my place to step in and tell you how to do things. I
let these things happen, and that is abuse by neglect."

I tried to make it plain that by continuing to fill up the house with
'things' and not keeping it clean, it was a message to the family that
is unwelcoming. We do not feel comfortable, nor safe, in such a place.
It is definitely not a good place for small children - grands and
great-grand children - to visit.

This is 'tough love' and I've never had to do this before. If it sounds
harsh, it is. This is boiling down to a matter of life and death, and
getting to stay in their home versus living in a care facility.

My goal tomorrow is to get automatic bill paying for utilities. The
checkbook has no balance written in it. There are only checks written.
Dad figures you just get the balance by going to the ATM and getting a
printed slip. This is not a good way for them to manage their finances.

Today Dennis laid some 'floating vinyl' on part of the bathroom floor.
I Febrezed the place the best I could. Because the old linoleum had
been removed (I don't know when) urine has been seeping into exposed
wood for who knows how long. As Dotty can attest, after spending hours
cleaning in there yesterday, it is filled with urine stench that fills
the living areas. We are going to have to look at a better solution
down the road.

We swept up more debris from under kitchen cupboards and got a load of
laundry started. I called Dad later to talk to him about putting the
laundry into the dryer, and told him it must be DRY and folded before
going into the drawers. I had to throw mildewed clothes from those
drawers yesterday because they had been shoved in there damp.

Dad is so appreciative of all the work that has been done thus far. It
is but a DENT in the surface. He paid for the dump fees, insisting he
does not want charity. Okay. The hours of work is from family; that's
not charity. He can cover the dump fees. He wants to contribute, and I
want him to maintain that dignity. It is too hard for him to make
decisions about what to get rid of because he starts in, "Well, you
know your Mother really loves that...."

I asked Mom if the hospital had talked to her about her primary care
giver. She said, "Yeah," and I told her since Dad is responsible for
her 24 hours a day she is not allowed to yell at him and run him
ragged. The caregiver needs to be cared for, too. She said that she
knows that and will try, but he's the only one there to yell at. I told
her that yelling will not help,

So, now for Mom's health part:

Mom's red blood cell count dropped most likely due to the cancer.
Apparently not everyone in the family was aware Mom had blood cancer.
There is a fancier name, but that's not the issue. She was also
dehydrated. Dad and Sean are working on getting water into her on a
regular basis. She takes several medications and I'll help Dad sort
that out tomorrow, too.

Mom is wearing Depends. She has a good attitude about this. Dad seems
okay with it so far. She is NOT bedridden and was able to walk,
supported, to the kitchen chair to sit while we were there today. She
has a tendency to be too dependent, so the hospital personnel, and
Sean, and I, told her that she must make more effort to be less
'helpless.' She has back pain. This seems to come and go; it could be
spasms, I don't know. Dad spends lots of time rubbing a massager on her
back. It seemed when she was actively engaged in conversation the back
pain was not in evidence.

I think this was a HUGE health scare for Dad. Mom told me today that
she thought she was going in to die and not come home. This was NOT a
'cry wolf' situation, because had Dad not acted quickly to get the EMTs
there, my message to you all today would probably be a very different
topic.

This intervention is just beginning. We will be working on the living
room hallway next, then try the living room. Chris and Laird, there is
no need to rush home at this point. Mom and Dad love getting those
phone calls, that helps the human contact part. Maybe we can set up a
specific day of the week (or month) for you to make contact.

Forrest told me he will be able to help out this weekend. Yes, we plan
to have some sort of a yard sale, but I'm not holding out for much.
Selling things is not my forte. If we have ARC or VETS pick up what
doesn't sell, that will at least give us more working space. Trust me,
these are not family heirlooms or expensive art work. We are talking
YEARS of Goodwill purchases. I am so angry that Goodwill feeds this
hoarding obsession. It has caused me to come home and clear out and
throw things away every night.

This is too long for an email, but my brain is full.

More tomorrow,
Love,
Daphne